Sinking onto the floor in a puddle of child’s pose, I take a deep and sad breath in as I begin to move, to conjure up the something that has been missing in my life. My body moves in a sensual yogic dance…
I AM THE ECSTASY OF A SIMPLE SWAY
And as I breathe in, I AM THE BLISS OF THE FIRST BREATH OF DAY. Lighting a candle and setting sacred space I begin to feel them entering the room one at a time. I call to my primal ancestors, my highest spirit guides, the energy of SHE, the Magdalene and the Christ to witness, the dark goddesses and the light goddesses I need them all here now.
I am alive once more and I can feel HER. I have found that missing thing and the tears of it sting my eyes as this ritualistic remembrance dance has me swaying and feeling slick with the heat of it rising from between my thighs. Shakti is rising within me, all my great grannys rituals from hundreds and thousands of years ago pulse in my blood, I breath in and out and feel her there within my every cell, and let me tell you she is no shrinking violet, when I feel her I know that …
I AM POWER
I AM THE STRENGTH OF TEN THOUSAND SUNS
I CAN MOVE MOUNTAINS IF I WILL IT SO
I am HER and SHE is me. Where has this been all of my life? Where did all of the WILD grandmothers go? Who will teach me? Where were you when I needed you most? I MOURN FOR YOU. I hear a whisper “PRAY WITH YOUR BODY AND YOU WILL FIND HER.”
From the dark hell depths Persephone always comes back to the light, from the deep Inanna returns and she is WHOLENESS in flesh, and then I realize that this is where I have involuntarily been, and that is why I can’t seem to escape the darkness that manifests itself as depression. That is where my granny’s magic is buried, she hid it there just because she knew that is where we have had to go. Looking around I realize I am hanging upside down from the mega farm’s meat hook bent with the patriarchal agenda and I tear myself off, ripped flesh and gaping wound. It’s painful and I am bleeding heavily but I am FREE. I drop to all fours to connect back with something that is calling to me, the true underworld, it is animistic in nature and I paw at the earth. I have seen this ritual before in a meditation and the wisdom floods me once more. PRAY WITH YOUR BODY AND YOU WILL FIND HER. My great great grandmother was beside a flowing ice-cold river and she pawed at the earth and so I do the same. I reach up and paint the mixture of blood that is gushing from me and mud that I’ve churned up on my face and it feels incredible, tight and strong. Scrying myself in the reflection of the river Styx I look like a heathen cat, stripes of strength and the blood of the wounds of trauma battle painted upon my cheeks. I know no limits in that moment I am invincible. I AM THE PRIMAL SHUDDER OF THUNDER.
I AM THE STRENGTH BEHIND THE LION’S ROAR
I AM THE URGE OF THE WOLVE’S HOWL
I RISE LIKE A FLOOD OF HELL WATER READY TO BURST
I begin my ritualistic return. I take one last look around knowing it’s probably not the last time that I will visit this hell, but now I am found and the next time I come it will be by choice. My army of granny spirit warriors surround. I know where the magic is hidden now and I will return to this well, but for now I need to carry the weight of this ritual back above ground. I hear the beat of the drum and march my way up. A woman dancing in full belly dancing attire tingles and jingles as she prances and spins around me and presents to me an ornate crown, a crown that is surely of feminine design. Am I worthy? She looks at me and takes my hand. We stop along the way and I dance once again. PRAY WITH YOUR BODY AND YOU WILL FIND HER. I am moving my body in what I’ve been told are the most unholy of ways, but those words no longer ring true. These movements they ARE YOU, they are your cunny guile and they are deliciously compelling, that’s why the shadow man has feared them for so long, but now they are ours again. I AM PERFECT SOVEREIGNTY. I create the whole world with my heart and with my hips.
Now, she gives me the crown and I continue to walk and dance my way back above ground. This gift was meant for sharing and I will crown others in return, there is strength in unity and numbers. I have a fleeting image of the world shaking under the foot pounding body prayer of thousands of goddess queen’s worshiping with their feet and hands and hips. PRAY WITH YOUR BODY AND YOU WILL FIND HER, that one that perhaps you didn’t even know you mourned for. The wild ones who used to teach us where our true mighty force was raised from. Mine are all in spirit form, but I vow to learn from them and to continue to descend and return with more and more knowledge. I am beautiful just the way I am, covered in blood and mud. Shake your hips and loosen and lose those vice grip layers of self-consciousness. Stick out your tongue and hiss out all of that shame that was never yours and dance to reclaim …
I AM THE DIVINITY OF MY OWN LIGHT
I AM PURE CONSCIOUS PRESENCE
I AM EMBODIED PERFECTION
Feel the primordial energy of SHE as she takes HER rightful place and rises within you and join me in this dance. PRAY WITH YOUR BODY AND YOU WILL FIND HER. Putting on drumming music I connect to her energy and I can feel HER rising from between my thighs, slit to crown. I start slowly again with yogic motions grinding, swaying and reaching movements. Arching my back and collapsing onto the ground over and over again. I close my eyes and let the energy move me now. There is no time or space, my body is a blank canvas and I open it up fully to HER. Paint me into being oh great mother. She smiles and instead hands me the brush…
I AM THE ARTIST THAT PAINTS LIFE
I AM THE GNOSIS OF CREATION ITSELF
We can be whoever it is that we want to be. Nobody will ever tell me again that I have to be stagnant. That’s the beauty of SHE, for she is a shaper shifter, a drifter who can spiral in and out of each and every archetype as she sees fit. Now that I know where to find HER I will continue to call her into me. You can call her to you too, or if you feel like you’d like to take a trip to the underworld to learn where her deepest magics are buried for yourself, I will let you in on a little secret. You do not have to go alone. The first time that I went I was alone but one special time I had a death doula witch guide and it was she who had gone before that held space for me. She did not give me answers, she did not show me the way, she simply tracked me to make sure that I hadn’t lost my way like a distant lone wolf sniffing at my tracks. We all must make our own descents but if you’d like to follow the path down, I am ready to be death doula witch guide for you too, and I will not give you the answers, but I will offer up my fetch, my prowling wild wolf maiden to track you down below too. Join me in my women’s circles, or find circles of your own, but no matter where you find yourself remember to PRAY WITH YOUR BODY AND YOU WILL FIND HER.
All blessings be.
p.s. I am forever grateful to that death doula witch guide, you know who you are. I love you.